The days are flying by and I find that most days I don't feel great. While I am waiting for the steroids to work on the AIHA I am in a kind of watch and wait. My consultant calls it 'borrowed time'. Borrowed Time as in 'when treatment/chemo starts again you are going to be very unwell'. And even though I don't feel great, I know this is a time to be thankful for.
So what would you do with your 'borrowed time?' I had a list of interesting things to do and places to go, but I find myself just wanting to be 'normal'. To do normal things like shopping or reading a good book or admiring the snowdrops and primroses (yes, they've been flowering since December) in my garden. Meeting friends for lunch. A bit of cooking, a bit of housework (even ironing - yuk).....things we take for granted when we feel well. Last week I found myself unable to go any further while I was in shopping. So I sat for 30 minutes on a sofa display while I recharged myself enough to get the energy to get back to the car. I found myself pondering the big questions
How much longer will I live?
How will I die?
Will I die well?
Where will I go?
A friend has found a new word for dying. It's being 'promoted'. I like it, maybe I will be promoted to an 'angel in training'. I found myself lost in thought and afterwards remembered my mother just before she was promoted. She used to look into the distance, lost in thought. Was she doing the same I wonder?
2 comments:
I am an AIHA patient in India and am wondering is it really that bad for you? I will be reading your blog a little more but this post brought out similar feelings of feeling a new life has begun after finding out of this illness....
Hi Anonymous, I do hope that I haven't upset you by my posts. I set this blog up to 'speak my truth' (things I wouldn't say to my family in case I upset them).
I do ponder the big questions as I find it an interesting subject and a subject people don't discuss very often. Some days things feel that bad and some days are much better. Yes, its a new life but it will be what we make it. When I have time I will post the things I have done since my diagnosis in 1999.
I hope your AIHA is under control and that you are doing well and thank you for being so kind as to write to me. I missed my hospital appointment yesterday as we have had snow and the roads were bad.
With warm wishes, Soapy
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