Our CLL Friends (Part 1)

When I was first diagnosed I found a CLL site on the net. Through the site I have corresponded with many fellow CLLers over the years, and of course, some I met personally and came very good friends with. One, who I shall call 'R' was a very good friend. Her husband had CLL and we often went out together and enjoyed each others company. A few years went by and 'J' (her husband) developed AIHA and Bronchiectasis and became sicker and we both had more chemo. We attended the same hospital and would visit each other as in-patients. One day while I was in the chemotherapy ward "J" was admitted, he was very ill. He was wheeled in in a red wheelchair and looked for all the world like my mother just before she died of CLL. I was already finding it hard when 'J" coughed, which echoed the same cough my mother had and after that day although we kept meeting and sharing, it was hard. When 'J' died I was heart broken. Not only was my friend gone but I was also reliving my mother's death. 'R' of course knew we would be there for her. She promised me she'd help my husband when my time came. This was no comfort to me because I didn't want to talk about my death but I couldn't tell her in her grief. Neither did I want to know the details of her husband last hours, but I listened. It was at 'J's funeral while my husband supported my friend, and I grieved for 'J', I also grieved for my mother and I grieved for myself and my family and inside I 'broke'.