From the Prophet by Kahlil Kibran - On Dying

'You would know the secret of death.
But how shall you find it unless you seek it in the heart of life?
The owl whose night-bound eyes are blind unto the day cannot unveil the mystery of light.
If you would indeed behold the spirit of death, open your heart wide unto the body of life.
For life and death are one, even as the river and the sea are one.

In the depth of your hopes and desires lies your silent knowledge of the beyond;
And like the seeds dreaming beneath the snow your heart dreams of spring.
Trust the dreams, for in them is hidden the gate to eternity.
Your fear of death is but the trembling of the shepherd when he stands before the king whose hand is to be laid upon him in honour.
Is the shepherd not joyful beneath his trembling, that he shall wear the mark of the king?
Yet is he not more mindful of his trembling?

For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun?
And what is it to cease breathing, but to free the breath from its restless tides, that it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered?
Only when you drink from the river of silence shall you indeed sing'.

Not So Strong After All

The days are flying by and I find that most days I don't feel great. While I am waiting for the steroids to work on the AIHA I am in a kind of watch and wait. My consultant calls it 'borrowed time'. Borrowed Time as in 'when treatment/chemo starts again you are going to be very unwell'. And even though I don't feel great, I know this is a time to be thankful for.

So what would you do with your 'borrowed time?' I had a list of interesting things to do and places to go, but I find myself just wanting to be 'normal'. To do normal things like shopping or reading a good book or admiring the snowdrops and primroses (yes, they've been flowering since December) in my garden. Meeting friends for lunch. A bit of cooking, a bit of housework (even ironing - yuk).....things we take for granted when we feel well. Last week I found myself unable to go any further while I was in shopping. So I sat for 30 minutes on a sofa display while I recharged myself enough to get the energy to get back to the car. I found myself pondering the big questions

How much longer will I live?

How will I die?

Will I die well?

Where will I go?

A friend has found a new word for dying. It's being 'promoted'. I like it, maybe I will be promoted to an 'angel in training'. I found myself lost in thought and afterwards remembered my mother just before she was promoted. She used to look into the distance, lost in thought. Was she doing the same I wonder?