Time to do What Exactly?

2009 and its a new year, a new day and a new start if you want it. I have always like the beginning of January and the feeling of starting a new year afresh.

However, treatment is looming and yet another hospital visit on Monday. My husband is depressed, my daughter does not discuss how things are going - it is her way of dealing with everything. How can I mobilise myself for a fourth lot of treatment? WILL I mobilise myself and why will I do it? I have been told to expect hospitalisations and with all the trips back and forth to hospital and the time spent waiting I can tell my husband is at breaking point. He is very depressed. He will not talk to anyone about it, although we have great 'emotional wellbeing type help' which he will not take advantage of. I can't do this without his support. Maybe its time to let nature take its course and take advantage of quality of life instead of quantity?

Such decisions are only mine to make but I feel a burden to my family.... I feel so repsonsible for their unhappiness with the situation. My emotional help has told me that 'to FEEL responsible is not to BE responsible' which helps. No one talks about the 'death' word, just on and on about positivity and 'you have done it before, you can beat it again', but it would be much more helpful if we could get the spectre out of the closet, have a good look and maybe a discussion, and then put it back.

I am glad I have started to blog. It is good to feel anonymous and just send my thoughts into the ether. I just hope that anyone reading will understand that I am using this as a stress release and I hope that it is not upsetting anyone.