We continued to see my friend but now our paths had changed. She knew I was finding it hard and asked me what she could do and what was the matter? but I couldn't tell her that everytime I saw her I was overwhelmed with grief that I couldn't deal with or talk about with her. I knew that as I got sicker she would be the one to relive her husband's illness and I didn't want that for her. She needed to move on with her new life and make fresh friends. She was a special friend and a good friend. So we withdrew from the friendship.
I miss her, but I have had some counselling and was advised this was the best thing for us all and I know it was the right thing to do for us both. In the beginning when we first start our CLL journey, we look for others to support and to support us and it works very well. But as time goes by, and many CLLers I have been privileged to know have died, I find myself in a place by myself. No one talks about this kind of thing. There are no magazine articles on how to cope in such an emotional minefield. No-one addresses this on websites. There is no real answer either, no right or wrong way to behave. But you may disagree with me and that's OK too.
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