DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY

It has been a rough few months mentally. I see my consultant every 4 weeks (sometimes more). I have been told my spleen needs to come out/can stay in/must come out and so on. My AIHA is worsening/better/no sign of/back again/maybe burned out. I know this is because my blood counts are up/down/up/down and my spleen grows and shrinks and grows and shrinks, but my peace of mind is nowhere to be seen. We talk of CLL as being a rollercoaster but it is also 'relentless' at times, and has been relentless for well over a year now. (Definition of Relentless is Unremitting; merciless).

There are so many other things going on too. The way my pills/food stick on the way down (so bad I tried to make myself sick a few weeks ago), the pain that wakes me up when I lie on my front (is it my ribs/breast?), my right leg gives way and is very painful for a few minutes and most nights/mornings the pain at the top of my thigh/groin wakes me up throbbing. I am trying to address some of this - I've arranged a breast x-ray and to have a camera down my throat and am waiting for appointments for this. I am unable to take my Ibandronic Acid for osteoporosis because I'm afraid it will get stuck and burn. My consultant says I must take it because I've been on steroids for so long my spine could collapse. And so depression has overtaken me and together with anxiety, life is grey and full of worry and 'what ifs'. I would like a bone scan too but this will just be more radiation and I have not been offered one yet.

I've not started on any anti-depressants as yet - I don't feel I can swallow them at the moment. Even thinking about it makes me anxious. This week I have turned to my local cancer center again. I haven't been since July/August last year and my contact there has suggested that I have been trying to cope by myself for too long. It is such a relief to speak to speak to a professional about my anxieties. When I was first diagnosed I never believed this disease would go on for so long.