MEMORY BOOKS/BOXES AND THE 'D' WORD

I saw Karen this week and it was so helpful. I can put trying to be positive aside when I am with her and this time she asked me if I was aware of the implications of the splenectomy and the 50/50 odds. Of course, I am very aware and it was such a relief to talk about it and my worries that I might not be able to have the operation or that my heart is giving so much gyp that things might not turn out so well. And what of after? I still don't want to go there.

We discussed that I was worried about the effect my dying will have on Summer and Lydia. I know I am a much loved Grandma. I want them to remember me as Grandma and not as an 'illness'. The same for Mandy. I want her to remember me as the mum who has always loved her so much even if she didn't always know it. Karen suggested memory books or boxes and at the time I didn't think it was a good idea. But since I got home I have been thinking and planning and sorting. I already have a box of stuff put aside for Mandy and now I am sorting photos (maybe this is the source of the happy memories!). For Mandy my plan is a book about her and me, mother and daughter and who I really am. I plan to use photos and write little things down that I remember. I hope I will have plenty of time to finish it. For Summer and Lydia I want to do memories of times spent together and a little of what I was like when I was their age. It is a big task. There are photos everywhere and many ideas in my head.